re-engineering self (or how to get used to cognitive disonnance)

Some things to catch up on... little brother.. no cancer! Father-in-law, cancer, but treatment doesn't seem to be so bad, BUT he sends a cryptic note saying he just got out of the hospital. Me, no cancer.. but it could have become cancer if we didn't catch it and remove it.

My "no cancer" experience (plus a combination of work, autoracing and my husband's work) have conspired to set me back again on my running... it seems every time I start to get my running feet back under me, something happens to shut me down for a couple weeks again. I've been knocked down so many times, I'm starting to get used to it.

I read an AWESOME book the last time I was laid out on my ass recovering from general anesthesia and minor surgery.. this one was called Born to Run. It is exactly what I needed. In my usual fashion I was panicking and thinking that I would not be able to run anymore because I'm not getting any faster (long story, tell ya later). AND I knew when I had to have the surgery (and found out the other half would be out of town for two weeks) that I would not be able to do the Olympic Distance Triathlon that I had been training for. AND I was starting to feel like my other half wasn't as supportive of my running as he used to be. ... so depression was setting in. I was going to have to quit running, exercising, everything I love.. because my body and my husband and my life were conspiring against me. Then I read Born to Run and I got inspired. That book reminded me of what I love about running... just the feeling of it. I still remember the first really hard and hilly 16 miler I ran 5 years ago, and, after conquering the last switchback and climbing the last hill.. I was running down the single track trail, feeling like I was flying, arms out like wings. And another thing I love, the camaraderie of the run, the way people take care of each other and support each other, through race and training run. I've been on both ends of that equation and they are both great.

So I've decided this year to re-engineer myself, my goals. New goal.. stay sane. New goal.. just run. New goal.. run with two of my brothers and hope they'll stay slow enough to run with me, and if they don't or can't (its hard to run slow) I'll enjoy the scenery... and finally, New Goal, skip Tuscon and just run the Valley of Fire Marathon.. not for speed (its not a fast course and not even a USTAF certified course) and not to compete with my friend (I finished 4 minutes ahead of her last year in a 30k.. I'll be eating her dust this time), nope. Just to run, in the desert, the climate that reminds me of home... though I've never lived in desert just like this.. desert just like this has always been home. I'm setting my expectations back to my 2nd TNT season.. I know what to do, I'm out of shape, and I'm just gonna run.

And, if for some reason, life strikes again, that's OK. As long as I'm healthy enough to run into town for dinner once in a while... that's better than not running at all.